Toxic productivity and parenting

We’ve all experienced scrolling through Instagram or magazines and marvelling at the perfectly put together mothers who seem to have achieved the impossible task of working, maintaining a spotless house, making creative yet healthy packed lunches, a yoga session and a freshly baked banana bread. Or the fathers who seem to have managed to work, take their children to swimming lessons and run a charity fun run in aid of some very worthy cause.

Often the messages we take from social media, television, movies, books and even friends is that we should somehow be doing more. That free time (ha!) should be spent bettering ourselves in the pursuit of parenting excellence and should never be spent doing something like catching up on sleep! 

This feeling, that slightly gnawing guilt we get when we see the supposed accomplishments of others, is also called toxic productivity or the drive to  be constantly improving at the cost of everything else, including rest or time with loved ones. 

Unfortunately it’s a common experience amongst parents and can lead to exhaustion, poorer relationships and stress, which can then lead to more episodes of physical illnesses like coughs and colds due to the prolonged presence of the stress hormone cortisol. 

So what do we do to try and prevent feelings of toxic productivity? Firstly it's important we can recognise these feelings in ourselves. In the Embers programme we teach children to observe their bodies, to understand when physical sensations like stomach ache or headaches, might be because of how we feel emotionally. Practising this as adults can also clue us in to when we are pushing ourselves too hard!

Once we are aware of those feelings, listing down what we were doing just before we started feeling that way can help to identify negative influences. For example, if scrolling through social media makes you feel worse about your own parenting effort then perhaps you should unfollow some of those perfect parenting accounts . Or if a chat with a certain friend or family member leaves you feeling this way it might be helpful to remind yourself that most people only share their best moments, and it’s likely not a true reflection of their life. 

Finally, remember that taking time for yourself is a vital part of being a great parent. We talk about modelling, or observing and copying behaviours a lot at Embers so what better way of teaching our children that it’s important to take care of their mental and physical wellbeing then by taking care of our own! 

So bin the guilt, turn off your phone and go do something you want to do - even if that’s just finding time for a quick snooze.